I am in such a frustratingly sad snit today and even with the sun shining I can’t seem to shake it. Too many heavies looming above me right now and no one to hold my hand or help ease the burden.
I’ve never been very good at asking for help. I was taught, quite strictly, never to do it. Don’t ask for help. Don’t show your emotions. Be singular in all endeavors, and stoic beyond human recognition. It’s no wonder I’m wound as tightly as a violin string, am anxious as a lost dog, and fight or flee when pushed the tiniest bit.
I’ve always wanted a tightly knit posse at my back, like those Verizon commercials with the mile long tech support crew. But I have failed terribly at creating such a group as I am rather lost in them–so much better at small friendships, so I have chosen, well, not very well. My people skills are not exemplary. I get wounded rather easily and seem to scar forever. So, I try and remember the code and stick it out alone.
Dr. Phil might ask, “So, how is that working for you?” And my answer is, “it isn’t.”
I have found it difficult to make new friends mid-life–true friends. And that’s what I really want. Acquaintances elude me, really. I have several, but it feels like “friendship light” filled with lots of small talk. It does very little to fill the well, or the heart.
And there lies the kicker: filling the heart. Giving is good for this. Sharing is good too. But sometimes there just doesn’t feel like much to give.
“The heart that breaks open can contain the whole universe,” says Joanna Macy, but also, the heart that breaks open can lie like spilled milk with no one to mop it up, but me. And right now, I feel strewn all over the floor. It feels best to lock the doors, pull back the curtains and soak in a hot tub. Which may or may not be the right answer. I’m not sure.
Tackling the bills, the debt, the technical fiascoes, life, is surely a better solution, even slowly, but how lifting it would be to have a little help in fixing even the small frustrations, maybe someone to laugh through the insanity with. (laughter is so relieving.) A helping hand: do I ask? Dare I? Maybe. Maybe, tomorrow.