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Posts Tagged ‘kindness’

I had a rough night last night: guilty feelings and an all night throbbing migraine. Bad, bad, bad. So I took Zephyr, my Louise Hay, a blanket, coffee, snacks and went to the park, laid under a plane tree and watched the golfers go by.  I also did my toenails. They’re chocolate-brown. I’m reaching back for light, metaphorically.

Lately, I’ve been sliding back into some dark negative beliefs. When I begin to feel positive and reach for healthier thoughts, sometimes I take a drastic slide backwards, as if I really don’t deserve to be happy or healthy. And worse, I berate myself for sliding. Spiral, spiral, spiral. Sigh.

BUT, even when the dark muck (feelings of guilt, fear, failure) is deep,  inviting and I run willingly to it–believing  it’s where I belong, I can also turn around, look back for my positive self–grounded, compassionate, self nurturing, loving. It’s like groping in black quicksand for a safety thread, but I keep reaching; I get air; I go to the park; I keep reaching.

I Am Enough by MB Art Studios

It’s good to have help in this search for light. I don’t always have it, so I make it up as I go. I spotted this alert photo from the Universe, “I am enough!” and I grabbed at it. Sticky notes help, a tattoo might work better. Maybe, this around my neck on a sandwich board.

I try small kind acts for myself. Often, they allow me to breathe, just enough, to take one more healing step, and then one more.

I walk. Walking is my meditation, it’s my physical act of clearing, escaping, grounding, whatever you want to call it, walking is my salvation.

I go for coffee. This is a treat. It gets me up, forces me to shower, dress, take Zephyr and walk to a destination that has a reward. Coffee is always a reward.

I remind myself: this will pass. Whatever boogie monster I have created now, I tell myself this WILL pass. Sometimes, I just don’t believe it, but it will. It will, it will, it will.

And sometimes I pray. I pray this will pass. I pray I can succeed. I pray to be loveable. I pray to surrender. I pray to accept myself,  just as I am, JUST AS I AM. I pray to let it all go and just be. Sometimes, I just pray, and hope the universe will help me heal.

And sometimes I gather it all up, go to the park, lay under a tree, drink coffee, listen to Louise, watch the leaves, the grass, feel the breeze, lie on the earth and just be.

d, xo

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I had a bit of meltdown last week. I got busted by the dog catcher, & Zephyr had a small scare from eating too much grass at the river.  A trip to the vet, some “as-long-as-you’re-here” blood work, some slightly scary news, but nothing frantic, immediate, just a real wake-up call that Zephyr is indeed getting old. I can’t bear the thought, but then I’m getting older too.

***

My time on Twitter has brought me–us–a very sweet new friend. Although we’ve never met face-to-face, she’s just the kindest person. She watched my meltdown, my nervous freak out that Zephyr was getting old & I just couldn’t bear or stop the clock! (insert panic).

Today, I got a surprise package in the mail from her: “Old Dogs are the best dogs“. The photos would make the most stoic soul weep. I’ve already reached for the Kleenex, twice.

Thank you Suzanne. You have a very big heart,

d, xo

Zephyr, not really interested in the photo, so much as the taste of the book, gave it a lick. At just about 12 years old, he is moving into the spry, yet senior, citizen department.  Although very distinguished, that muzzle used to be very dark.

Forgive that leash. I hate it. He hates it, but he’s been wandering off a bit. I find him standing out on the front lawn or the neighbor’s back yard. Not horrible, but a few weeks ago he crossed the street and the leash came out. We’re still adjusting.

After a nice walk this morning and meeting quite a few dogs along the way to play with, Zephyr is sprawled out on the cool pavement. The temperature is supposed to be 80 degrees today. We don’t do heat very well. I like big blue skies, but we both like chilly weather. We should move back to the beach.

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I admit it. I’ve been having a difficult few days. I created all the Christmas spirit I could  in the last few weeks, sent cards, made cookies & ginger bread for the cafe folks, decorated packages, bought candy canes, hung lights, filled my head with enough holiday tunes to keep me humming until Valentine’s Day, but half my family are off to visit step-siblings down south and  I simply have lost all of my spirit.

But today, I got the sweetest surprise, a package came from across the country from an address I didn’t know. It was addressed to “Dahlila, Found” my shop name and aka. Inside was a CD: Jolly Christmas from Frank Sinatra and the nicest Christmas card from StellarClothing, one of my Twitter Tweeples & I simply burst into tears. It’s the kindest, sweetest gesture and it makes my whole Christmas. 🙂 It really does.

"One Joy Shatters a Hundred Griefs" treehugger@flicker

So, the next time someone tells me Twitter is silly or that those people aren’t real I’m going to remember this moment. Thank you StellarClothing.  

MERRY CHRISTMAS TWEEPLES. YOU ROCK.

dahlila xxoo

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I hate the conversations that begin with “Does your dog bite?”

Especially when he/she is holding a squirmy, sticky toddler. There is no good out that I have yet figured. If I say no, she will ask “Can Bitsy pet it?”–it’s always “it” like I’m walking a table.

If I say yes, they draw back in horror, though I am 10 feet away and Zephyr, turned askew, is busy grazing the lawn like a cow. Today I said “No, he doesn’t” and the above question ensued. Except, I smiled and said “No, not right now.” She was upset and pulled back her child. I can’t win.

Here’s the thing: I am not your petting zoo. And I am not going to let your sticky little kid grab at Zephyr’s ears, nose, whatever. It’s invasive. I don’t ask to run my fingers thru juniors hair. Sigh.

Contemplation

But, here’s thing,  I DO like the quiet, singular shy kid who is drawn to Zephyr from afar. They creep closer and closer, with very small steps, wanting SO badly to pet him, like they are witnessing this grand being, a mythical lion.

They never, ever ask to pet him. And with their parents permission I almost always let them. i encourage them too. They reach out their hands with such trepidation. Zephyr will reach out his nose and they jump, goosebumps  from head to toe, beaming. Often I have to show them how to pet a dog, like they have never done this before. They are always so gentle.

Beyond Zephyr, it is my own personality that likes a wide arc of comfort space. Come near me slowly, talk softly and don’t be too pushy or demanding about it. Don’t drown me in personal questions. Don’t lecture me or take up debate. Keep it simple, let me reveal myself to you in my own time.

Zephyr is the same way. I guess we are a true pair.

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My dear Etsy friend Ann sent me this guardian angel today. Much needed. Thank you Ann.  d.

guardian-angel

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