I had a rough night last night: guilty feelings and an all night throbbing migraine. Bad, bad, bad. So I took Zephyr, my Louise Hay, a blanket, coffee, snacks and went to the park, laid under a plane tree and watched the golfers go by. I also did my toenails. They’re chocolate-brown. I’m reaching back for light, metaphorically.
Lately, I’ve been sliding back into some dark negative beliefs. When I begin to feel positive and reach for healthier thoughts, sometimes I take a drastic slide backwards, as if I really don’t deserve to be happy or healthy. And worse, I berate myself for sliding. Spiral, spiral, spiral. Sigh.
BUT, even when the dark muck (feelings of guilt, fear, failure) is deep, inviting and I run willingly to it–believing it’s where I belong, I can also turn around, look back for my positive self–grounded, compassionate, self nurturing, loving. It’s like groping in black quicksand for a safety thread, but I keep reaching; I get air; I go to the park; I keep reaching.
I Am Enough by MB Art Studios
It’s good to have help in this search for light. I don’t always have it, so I make it up as I go. I spotted this alert photo from the Universe, “I am enough!” and I grabbed at it. Sticky notes help, a tattoo might work better. Maybe, this around my neck on a sandwich board.
I try small kind acts for myself. Often, they allow me to breathe, just enough, to take one more healing step, and then one more.
I walk. Walking is my meditation, it’s my physical act of clearing, escaping, grounding, whatever you want to call it, walking is my salvation.
I go for coffee. This is a treat. It gets me up, forces me to shower, dress, take Zephyr and walk to a destination that has a reward. Coffee is always a reward.
I remind myself: this will pass. Whatever boogie monster I have created now, I tell myself this WILL pass. Sometimes, I just don’t believe it, but it will. It will, it will, it will.
And sometimes I pray. I pray this will pass. I pray I can succeed. I pray to be loveable. I pray to surrender. I pray to accept myself, just as I am, JUST AS I AM. I pray to let it all go and just be. Sometimes, I just pray, and hope the universe will help me heal.
And sometimes I gather it all up, go to the park, lay under a tree, drink coffee, listen to Louise, watch the leaves, the grass, feel the breeze, lie on the earth and just be.