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Posts Tagged ‘letting go’

I had a rough night last night: guilty feelings and an all night throbbing migraine. Bad, bad, bad. So I took Zephyr, my Louise Hay, a blanket, coffee, snacks and went to the park, laid under a plane tree and watched the golfers go by.  I also did my toenails. They’re chocolate-brown. I’m reaching back for light, metaphorically.

Lately, I’ve been sliding back into some dark negative beliefs. When I begin to feel positive and reach for healthier thoughts, sometimes I take a drastic slide backwards, as if I really don’t deserve to be happy or healthy. And worse, I berate myself for sliding. Spiral, spiral, spiral. Sigh.

BUT, even when the dark muck (feelings of guilt, fear, failure) is deep,  inviting and I run willingly to it–believing  it’s where I belong, I can also turn around, look back for my positive self–grounded, compassionate, self nurturing, loving. It’s like groping in black quicksand for a safety thread, but I keep reaching; I get air; I go to the park; I keep reaching.

I Am Enough by MB Art Studios

It’s good to have help in this search for light. I don’t always have it, so I make it up as I go. I spotted this alert photo from the Universe, “I am enough!” and I grabbed at it. Sticky notes help, a tattoo might work better. Maybe, this around my neck on a sandwich board.

I try small kind acts for myself. Often, they allow me to breathe, just enough, to take one more healing step, and then one more.

I walk. Walking is my meditation, it’s my physical act of clearing, escaping, grounding, whatever you want to call it, walking is my salvation.

I go for coffee. This is a treat. It gets me up, forces me to shower, dress, take Zephyr and walk to a destination that has a reward. Coffee is always a reward.

I remind myself: this will pass. Whatever boogie monster I have created now, I tell myself this WILL pass. Sometimes, I just don’t believe it, but it will. It will, it will, it will.

And sometimes I pray. I pray this will pass. I pray I can succeed. I pray to be loveable. I pray to surrender. I pray to accept myself,  just as I am, JUST AS I AM. I pray to let it all go and just be. Sometimes, I just pray, and hope the universe will help me heal.

And sometimes I gather it all up, go to the park, lay under a tree, drink coffee, listen to Louise, watch the leaves, the grass, feel the breeze, lie on the earth and just be.

d, xo

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December 11 – 11 Things What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

I’m behind in my Reverb1o postings. Some of them are just too difficult to answer so I pass. This one is tough, but let’s see what happens.

I can think of so many things my life needs, but needs to get rid of? Would that be the opposite of the first, what I need?

1. I need more friends, so I need to get rid of loneliness.

2. I need to make more money, so I need to get rid of the belief that I can’t make more doing what I love.

3. I need more in-breaths, more air, so I need to get rid of my fear of going to yoga. Ironic, I know.

4. I need more patience for art, crafts, tasks I used to love, so I need to get rid of my rollercoaster mind, one that never stop, or slows down. I loathe to say the word meditation, as the thought of sitting that still makes my skin crawl, but that thought showed up for a reason.

5. I need more life in my life, so I need to get rid of the ghosts that haunt me about being safe in the world. I was once so brave, so fearless out there.

6. I need more laughter in my life, so I need to get rid of some sorrow. So much letting go to be done–or pushing ahead.

7. I need more love in my life, so I need to get rid of my story about myself that keeps me from going out there and dating. I am not broken. I just am. So is everyone else. Repeat this to myself often.

8. I need more personal compassion in my life, so I need to get rid of believing I am not wanted, loved, cared for, needed. It’s possible I might be.

9. I need more calm in my life, so I need to get rid of anxiety and panic. The word yoga and meditation keep popping up and I keep pushing them back down. Who will win?

10. I need many things I don’t always want to work for. How do I balance out that tug-of-war? What do I get rid of to learn to be involved in a community without feeling overwhelmed and burdened by it? What do I get rid of? My prompensitiy for quiet, solitude, wide open spaces? No thank you. Because number 11 is:

11. I need more quiet mind, inner peace, time in nature and wide open spaces. What do I get rid of for that if I don’t want to pack up and move back to the mountains? Live in my jeep again. I’ve grown rather found of a bathtub & kitchen. I need to get rid of that all-or-nothing idea, learn to live in-between, in peace, in calm, over and over and over.

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 3 weeks ago my old washing machine kicked the bucket. It stopped spinning mid rinse cycle, smoked, squelched and died. R.I.P Kenmore 70 Deluxe. You did us proud. 

 

Meanwhile, I have pulled out clothes I haven’t worn in forever, foraged through the bottom of drawers, beneath the clothes I never wear,  attempted to dress myself without visiting a laundromat. It’s truly amazing just how many clothes I have that I hate. Clothes I would never wear. What was I thinking? Who would wear THIS? And yet, there they are. 

I was on my last pair of favored skivies 2 days ago–and for the record I’d like to say JUST HOW MUCH I HATE a lacy thong, but I digress. I needed a new washer, like, 2 days ago. 

Four phone calls to the building manager, 4 different messages “left with the secretary” and one final “bat phone” call to the landlord later, and FINALLY I have a new washing machine (!)  

 

It’s big, very white and makes an entirely new set of sounds, so many little quirks to adjust to, somewhat like adopting a new dog, or boyfriend. Yet, here it is, swirling it’s very first load of undies as we speak. 

 Welcome new Maytag, Quiet Plus. You have big whirling shoes to fill. Do us proud.

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Deep Thought. Heavy sigh. . .

Deep Thought. Heavy sigh. . .

I’m just so having a day, a week, possibly a life. I sometimes wonder what kind of karmic payment I’m making. Some days i think it’s for every mistake I’ve ever executed, but isn’t life about making your own mistakes, trying again, hopefully getting it right and moving on to the next flash fire?

I am somewhat of a fatalist. I’d love to be cheery and continuously hopeful, but I come from a long line of hand ringers, the women especially, who seem fated to make bad choices, often in men. They ended up divorced, widowed, living alone, never to date again, some living well but lonely, others giving in to fate and living in mediocrity. Choice or fate? I don’t know. But there are too many likenesses for me to handle. I often feel doomed.

What would it feel like, I wonder, to have no expectations put upon you, no guilt, history, family or fate? A wide open, clean life with zero thoughts to who’s looking over your shoulder, living or dead. After all, it’s our own created ghosts that wake us at 3a.m., their human counterparts surely asleep with little thought or concern about me or anyone else they bother. Do you see a bad cycle running rampant here? Oh, I do.

I once read about a writer who put all her relatives, annoying acquaintances, neighbors, exs, whoever, in an imaginary blender and set it on whiz! Apparently, that helped clear her mind so she could write, ghost free. I’ve tried the garbage disposal approach and the less invasive “put them in a cookie jar” and stash it in the pantry approach. Some days it works, others the annoying little buggers sneak out and reappear. They’re sneaky that way.

The truth is there is no getting rid of them in life or death. They’re just THERE. Freeing my mind, my self to live my life, whatever wonder or disaster befalls it is really all my own. It just doesn’t always feel like it.

So, right now I’m in a pickle and the only person to solve the issue is apparently me. Who let that happen? 🙂

d.

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