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Posts Tagged ‘pain’

The world is freaking me out today. The simmering triple digit heat has left Sacramento feeling edgy, jagged and hostile. It’s May and this is way too early for  July weather. It’s best to ease into summer, one digit at a time, instead it  feels like an intersection collision.

Triple digits have become a trigger. I relate it always to Shadow and that dreadful summer where we laid together on the wood floor beneath the whining window AC. Two weeks of heat that would not relent below 100 and more often rose to 114 degrees. The living room became small, suffocating. I draped sheets over the stairwell and wet towels over Shadow.  He was in so much pain by then. Time has never moved so slowly.

Now, when the sky feels like it’s on fire,  those days come back  in a viscious flood. Life was measured in teaspoons then. They were the worst–and the most important–days of our lives. And then Shadow’s life was over before he could feel the coolness again.  I wanted to go with him, but I had to stay behind.

***

So, this weekend has been all about haulting encrouching demons,  staying  present, remembering  that it is just heat,  just weather and it will pass. It’s difficult. I don’t want to live here anymore. I hate summer. 

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I want to write a very long reflection on these days but I can’t. I need to stay off the computer, which is the hardest thing for me to do.

I haven’t had a migraine in two lethargic days. My pain went away, but my energy and emotional stamina is zapped. Still, I have come up for air and gotten a glimpse of the big picture again. It’s a start.

I went to the acupuncturist. What I wanted was something as simple as lying my body down on a comfortably warm table and getting plugged from head to toe in needles and sleep. What I did was fill out miles of overly personal biological info, get questioned for eons, then diagnosed into the gutter. Apparently, he tells me, with a frown, I am in bad shape. Well, no kidding. Anemia, hypoglycemia, hormones, thyroid, muscles carved in brick, etc, etc. He thinks I’m allergic to wheat, wants me to live on meat and vegetables ALONE for 3 WEEKS. No coffee, no bread, no nuts, raisins, cereal, yogurt, cheese. . . Can I re-mention the “no coffee” statement. I have little left, that I love, to give up. Finally, he got to the acupuncture and it helped, so much so, that I went out to the co-op, investigated things like “gluten-free” bread, wheat free cereal. I bought Omega-3 vitamins. I bought salmon, decaf, tofu, soy dogs. This isn’t brand new, it’s just brand new, again.

acupuncture by hradcanska, flickr

Life seems to be a series of endless starting-overs. Maybe, it’s just my life. My motivation, determination, memory, ebbs and flows. My only constant, that no one ever has to tell me to do, is walk the dog. I love to walk, really long, long walks, where no one can find me, where I can’t see or hear another soul. That’s hard to do in a city, but I make the effort for sanity.

My migraine is creeping back. I can feel it in the far splinters of my head, just a twitch. I took a long hot, submerged bath. wrapped my neck and head in Tiger Balm, took Advil, drank water, covered my eye, and yet, here I am typing! Writing is also about sanity. I don’t know what migraines are about.

Back to my pillow. I’m going back to the acupuncturist. I will let him talk about wheat, allergies, vitamins, diets, stress and hormones, while he sticks pins in my head, and I drift beneath it all, take a long walk in my mind with Zephyr down a long dirt road where it’s quiet and I can’t hear anything but the birds and the wind.

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I’m sitting here typing with one eye shut. The lack of depth perception does not help my already mediocre typing skills. It shouldn’t make a difference, but it seems to.

I am fighting with migraines, or some sort of horrible head pain. And it’s making my life hell. Ice packs and Advil have become my closest companions. I lay submerged up to my eyeballs in hot baths, anything to ease the pain that stabs behind my right eye. I’ve been in and out of the ER–the scariest place I’ve ever been. And I’m not going back. The system has me by the … well, it’s got me cornered. Too much cash for MediCal, not enough to pay the doctors.

So, I did something I rarely ever do unless absolutely bottomed out. I put a call out to nearly everyone I know for ideas, health insurance info, anything or anyone that might offer assistance. It’s a really sucky feeling asking for help. A very vulnerable feeling. But some people have really risen to the occasion. People I never thought would. Big surprise on me.

quan-yin1

Meanwhile, I am at the mercy of anyone who can read–my favorite thing to do. Sigh.  And I’ve got an appt. with a great acupuncturist. Always good.

If I’m not here a lot, or my shop looks dusty for a while, or there’s no new crochets or naughty cards at Dahlila, I apologize. I’m anxious to get back to work, but for right now there’s a pillow with my name on it–and coffee! I’ve got a doctor’s permission to drink more coffee. So, that’s one good thing.

wish me luck, d.

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