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Posts Tagged ‘taking charge’

Deep Thought. Heavy sigh. . .

Deep Thought. Heavy sigh. . .

I’m just so having a day, a week, possibly a life. I sometimes wonder what kind of karmic payment I’m making. Some days i think it’s for every mistake I’ve ever executed, but isn’t life about making your own mistakes, trying again, hopefully getting it right and moving on to the next flash fire?

I am somewhat of a fatalist. I’d love to be cheery and continuously hopeful, but I come from a long line of hand ringers, the women especially, who seem fated to make bad choices, often in men. They ended up divorced, widowed, living alone, never to date again, some living well but lonely, others giving in to fate and living in mediocrity. Choice or fate? I don’t know. But there are too many likenesses for me to handle. I often feel doomed.

What would it feel like, I wonder, to have no expectations put upon you, no guilt, history, family or fate? A wide open, clean life with zero thoughts to who’s looking over your shoulder, living or dead. After all, it’s our own created ghosts that wake us at 3a.m., their human counterparts surely asleep with little thought or concern about me or anyone else they bother. Do you see a bad cycle running rampant here? Oh, I do.

I once read about a writer who put all her relatives, annoying acquaintances, neighbors, exs, whoever, in an imaginary blender and set it on whiz! Apparently, that helped clear her mind so she could write, ghost free. I’ve tried the garbage disposal approach and the less invasive “put them in a cookie jar” and stash it in the pantry approach. Some days it works, others the annoying little buggers sneak out and reappear. They’re sneaky that way.

The truth is there is no getting rid of them in life or death. They’re just THERE. Freeing my mind, my self to live my life, whatever wonder or disaster befalls it is really all my own. It just doesn’t always feel like it.

So, right now I’m in a pickle and the only person to solve the issue is apparently me. Who let that happen? 🙂

d.

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